"Finally, an Honest Abe who doesn't take three years to get to the point! Didn't ask me for a single troop count. God gave us Lincoln and Liberty, let us fight for them both. Best Lincoln impersonation I've seen. Almost as good as the real thing. 5 out of 5 stars."

- U.S. Grant

* Grant admired Lincoln, calling him, "The greatest man I have ever known," in his memoirs.

"Finally, someone who doesn't talk about my shopping habits and actually looks good in a stovepipe hat. However, he better add some pictures of me or I'm ordering 400 new pairs of gloves on his tab. 10 stars!"

- Mary Lincoln

* Considered by historians to have been a compulsive shopper. Mary ordered a massive amount of gloves—often cited as 300 to 400 pairs—over a four-month period during the Civil War. She racked up massive debt through these purchases. Critics called them frivolous, and some reports say she hid the costs by secretly billing the government.

** After marrying Lincoln on November 4, 1842, she dropped "Todd" from her name and never used it, signing her name as Mary Lincoln, Mrs. A. Lincoln, or Mrs. Abraham Lincoln. While commonly referred to today as Mary Todd Lincoln, she never referred to herself that way, considering herself simply Mary Lincoln for the rest of her life.

"I see you've managed to dress up a baboon in a frock coat and put him on the wireless. That tall, awkward Yankee impersonated? Lord have mercy, one was already too many! 0 stars and a very firm thumbs down."

- Jeff Davis

* President of the Confederacy. Opposed Lincoln because he threatened the survival of slavery and the political power of Southern slaveholders.

"I've seen this fella online. It's a damn good website. These web-critics are just spies in fancy digital clothes. I hate them! If I killed them all, we'd be getting reports from Hell before breakfast about how hot the flames were! 4 out of 5 stars!"

-General W.T. Sherman

* During his "March to the Sea," General William Tecumseh Sherman enacted a brutal "total war" strategy.

"I must say, I haven't seen the Tycoon this lively since he was reciting Shakespeare in his nightshirt at 3:00 AM. The physical resemblance is uncanny, though you seem far too well-rested to truly be him. A bit more melancholy in the eyes would make it perfect. If you require a secretary who can write a 10-volume biography in his spare time, do let me know. It is, in my view, a solid 4 star performance."

- Hay

* John Hay, one of Abraham Lincoln's private secretaries, frequently referred to him as "the Tycoon" in his diaries and letters. Hay, along with fellow secretary John G. Nicolay, used the term affectionately and respectfully.

** Hay was a talented author and poet. Hay co-authored a 10-volume biography of Lincoln titled Abraham Lincoln: A History. He wrote it alongside Nicolay. Hay served as Secretary of State under presidents McKinley and Theodore Roosevelt.

"Sir, I have perused your digital tableau dedicated to Mr. Lincoln. It possesses the necessary eloquence. You have presented the 'white man's President' well, but it could use more of the 'radical' spirit that forced him to end slavery. 3.5 out of 5 stars."

- Frederick Douglass

* Lincoln and abolitionist Douglass developed a respectful, evolving partnership, moving from harsh criticism to a deep mutual respect and friendship after Douglass became a trusted advisor to Lincoln.

"I do not approve of this 'World Wide Web' buisness-it sounds like a Yankee fishing net. You have focused all your 'tactics' on flash and color, but I see no fortified, defensible, or, frankly, Christian content. Now if you'll excuse me, I must eat a lemon and I must return to my prayers. I give your website 0 stars and recommend that the 'enemy impersonator' be hotly pursued and removed from the search engines immediately."

- Theos. J. Jackson

* While often exaggerated into a major legend, it is historically accurate that General "Stonewall" Jackson occasionally ate lemons to alleviate digestive issues.

** Thomas Jonathan Jackson was exceptionally religious, embodying a strict, devout Calvinist Presbyterian faith that guided every aspect of his life. His piety was described as "inflexible and total," characterized by constant prayer, meticulous Sabbath observance, and a belief that he was an instrument of God's will, even in battle. Jackson was accidentally shot and mortally wounded by his own men.

"It is a well-ordered site-but I'll need another six months to properly review it before I can recommend a visit. You should wait until you receive another 50,000 visitors, a new webmaster, and new photos, before launching the show. Perhaps we should wait to hear what the rebels think of it first. A good show requires patience! I am only giving 1 star because the fonts are nicely organized."

- George B. McClellan

* Lincoln grew deeply frustrated with General McClellan primarily because of his extreme caution, reluctance to attack, and failure to pursue Confederate forces, most notably after the Battle of Antietam. McClellan often overestimated enemy strength and stalled, leading Lincoln to feel he was wasting opportunities to win the war.

"A Web of Tyranny! This website is a monument to a dictator! Traitorous content! The performer lacks the dramatic flair needed to embody such a monstrous figure. 0 out of 5 stars or 2 thumbs down! Sic Semper Turanniis!"

- Brutus

* John Wilkes Booth viewed himself as a modern-day Marcus Junius Brutus—the righteous assassin of Julius Caesar—believing he was saving his country by killing a "tyrant". 

"Look, Master Lincoln, I appreciate the fancy 'Proclamation' speech, truely. You talk a big game about 'freedom' while paying my soldiers $7 and the white boys $15? Seriously, they put you on the penny because you're tight with a buck, aren't you? With a single lantern guiding the Union gunboats up the Combahee, I brought 700 souls out of bondage to the promise of freedom. The site is fine, but it's mostly just fancy digital ink. I'm giving it 1/2 a star for the thought, and 2 stars, cause well...you got it done."

- Harriet Tubman

* Harriet Tubman was first announced to replace Andrew Jackson on the front of the $20 bill in April 2016 under the Obama administration, with the design originally scheduled to be unveiled in 2020. The redesign stalled after the incoming Trump administration prioritized, then delayed, the process due to anti-counterfeiting security requirements, later shifting the anticipated, redesigned note to 2028 or later. The Treasury Department currently cites 2030 target date.

"I have reviewed the website of this...Gentleman. I must say, it is almost as exhausting to read as it was fighting in the Wilderness. Impressive dedication to a lost cause...well, my lost cause. It seems designed to provoke, lacking the quiet dignity of a true Virginian. Nevertheless, I am a man of peace, so I will give you 1 star and a sideways thumb that is rapidly pointing towards Washington."

- R.E. Lee

* Early in 1861, Lincoln offered Lee command of the Union Army, which Lee respected but declined, citing his duty to Virginia. Following his surrender at Appomattox, Lee viewed Lincoln as the best hope for the country. Lee was deeply saddened by Lincoln's death and called the president's assassination a "deplorable crime".

"I must say, this website lacks a bit of 5-foot-4-inch flair. It's a respectful presentation, perhaps even for a Whig! Not enough mention of Kansas-Nebraska Act. Lots of 'House Divided' and not enough 'Popular Sovereignty.' Frankly, needs more 'Little Giant' energy. I'll give this website 2 out of 7 debates-specifically, Ottawa and Freeport- because that's all I actually need to win. Keep trying Abe."

- Stephen A. Douglas

* Although Lincoln lost the 1858 Senate race, the Lincoln-Douglas debates elevated him from a regional politician to a national figure by showcasing his eloquence and firm anti-slavery stance to a widespread audience. The debates forced him to sharpen his arguments against popular sovereignty, strengthening his reputation within the young Republican Party. Furthermore, by forcing Douglas to adopt the "Freeport Doctrine" to survive the debates, Lincoln divided the Democratic Party, which hindered Douglas’s 1860 presidential prospects and paved the way for Lincoln's success.

** Stephen Douglas was born with two "s"s (spelling his name "Douglass") and later changed it to one "s" ("Douglas"). There is popular myth that he changed it not to be confused with famous abolitionist Frederick Douglass. However, he dropped the second "s" long before he reached the height of his fame, and likely before Frederick Douglass was widely known as a national figure.

"Extremely convincing work! I spent the war acting like I couldn't read while cleaning Jefferson Davis's desk, so I know a great performance when I see one. I'm docking one star because I didn't see any photos of you memorizing top-secret war documents while dusting. Keep up the great work—and for heaven's sake, if a lady in a bonnet starts asking questions, don't tell her anything! It’s a good, solid 4 stars from me—very near perfection."

- Mary Jane Richards Denman (aka Mary Bower)

* Mary Bowser was a brilliant Union spy placed in the heart of the Confederacy in Richmond, VA. While pretending to be an unintelligent domestic servant to the Confederate President, she used her photographic memory to read confidential papers and report troop movements to the North. She was inducted into the Military Intelligence Hall of Fame in 1995.

"A magnificent portrayal, indeed! The oratorical prowess is almost as captivating as my own speech to the 20th Maine. You hold your audience with a commanding, yet honest simplicity that reminds me deeply of the Great Emancipator himself. However, I noticed you lacked a solid plan for a bayonet charge—I recommend adding a 'Services' section to the website. Still, this performance will surely bring a 'new birth of freedom' to local events. I am compelled to accord it the highest honor possible—5 stars, indeed."

- Joshua L. Chamberlain

* Colonel Chamberlain led the 20th Maine Regiment in a desperate and decisive bayonet charge down the slope of Little Round Top at Gettysburg. With his men nearly out of ammunition and suffering heavy casualties, Chamberlain ordered them to "fix bayonets" and initiate a right-wheel maneuver, turning a defensive stand into a sudden, shocking counterattack. Chamberlain was awarded the Medal of Honor and became known as the "Lion of the Round Top".

"It's a marvelous performance...but I wouldn't recommend taking the whole division to see it. A loving portrait of an old friend, albeit a Yankee one. While I was studying law in Illinois, that great hearted man, who was a Congressman and a friend of my uncle, took notice of my secret ambition to become a soldier, and he personally secured my appointment to West Pont. Although I went on to lead the grey and him the blue, I knew him as a friend who cherished a boyhood dream of mine. I cannot give 5 stars to a Yankee President, for my heart still belongs to the Lost Cause, and I still feel the sting of that bloody field where my men fell like autumn leaves. 4 out of 5 stars! Your obedient servent,"

- George E. Pickett

* During the Battle of Gettysburg, Pickett led his fresh division of roughly 6,000 men in a disastrous frontal assault against entrenched Union positions on Cemetery Ridge. The charge decimated his ranks, resulting in over 40% casualties—over 2,600 men killed, wounded, or captured—effectively destroying his division as a functional fighting force. When ordered by Robert E. Lee to rally his division for a counterattack afterward, an inconsolable Pickett famously replied, "General Lee, I have no division".

"Why does he get to act like Lincoln, when I did all the real hard work of Reconstruction? I've seen better acting at a Tennessee tailor shop, but I admire that you didn't include Hannibal Hamlin anywhere on this site. Not enough mention of leniency towards former Confederates. 2 out of 5 stars and 1.5 thumbs up, but only if you stop mentioning the 14th Amendment and let the South do it's own thing. I am going for a drink!"

- Andrew Johnson 

* At his March 4, 1865, inauguration, Vice President Andrew Johnson was heavily intoxicated after consuming whiskey to treat a cold, delivering a rambling, incoherent speech that embarrassed the administration. Lincoln defended him, asserting, "I have known Andrew Johnson for many years. He made a slip the other day, but you need not be scared; Andy ain't a drunkard".

"Just as I once walked the battlefields of our wounded nation to bring comfort and aid, this site brings order and comfort to the chaos of history. In an age where the 'foulest blot' of our history is sometimes forgotten, this website stands firm in its duty to accuracy. It’s nearly as impressive as the time I finally convinced Mr. Lincoln to let me set up the Missing Soldiers Office. And believe me, getting that man to focus on anything besides the war was harder than finding a dry bandage in Virginia. I offer this work my highest sanction, 5 stars!"

- Clara Barton

* Known as the "Angel of the Battlefield" for her courageous nursing during the Civil War, Clara Barton established the Missing Soldiers Office after the war to help locate over 22,000 missing Union soldiers. She later founded the American Red Cross in 1881, serving as its first president for 23 years and expanding its mission to include disaster relief.

"Sir, your website is as impeccably tailored as one of my own full-dress uniforms—even I, 'Old Fuss and Feathers,' cannot find fault with it. However, the performance was as authentic as a Mexican jailhouse lawyer—I’ve seen better acting from a cannonball. Your ‘homespun’ anecdotes make me wish I was back in 1812. Still, it’s better than having to deal with McClellan, ho."

- General Winfield Scott

Winfield Scott was a towering figure in American military history, serving as a commanding general in the War of 1812, the American Indian Wars, and the Mexican–American War. Though he was 74 to 75 years old and physically frail at the beginning of the Civil War in 1861, unable to mount a horse, he developed the strategic Anaconda Plan to defeat the Confederacy before retiring. Despite his brilliant career, limitations included his elderly health, a prickly personality, and his initial inability to take the field.

"As the man who managed the Union army to victory as President Lincoln's Secretary of War, I find this content so authentic that I’ve finally stopped calling the webmaster a 'damned fool'. I have looked over this website and, while I have long believed the President should spend less time on theatricals, I must admit the performance is impressive. I was about to call him a dam...a stubborn imitation, but I suppose he will do for the public. 5 stars—now he belongs to the web pages!"

- Edwin M. Stanton 

* Stanton is widely credited with saying "Now he belongs to the ages" at Lincoln's deathbed, yet there is significant historical debate over whether he actually said "ages" or "angels." While the former is the popular, legendary quote recorded by John Hay, witnesses also reported "angels," and some scholars doubt Stanton spoke at all.

** Stanton was known for his sharp tongue, temper, and frequent use of harsh language, including calling people a "damned fool," according to historical accounts. Stanton is famous for, at least once, calling President Lincoln a "damned fool" regarding an order, which prompted Lincoln's famous reply: "If Stanton said I was a damned fool, then I must be one, for he is nearly always right, and generally says what he means".

"I have viewed your website, and I must admit it is quite well-joined. It is clear, honest, and does not try to fool all the people all the time. A website is like a public speech; if you make it too long, the audience will leave, and if you make it too complicated, they won't understand what you're trying to sell them. Keep it up, and don't switch horses in the middle of the stream. If you do, you might get wet, and I despise a wet website. Overall, I'd give this website 5 score and 7 stars. Like a good play, this website has now reached its final act. I hear Our American Cousin is playing, and I simply must not miss a minute of it!"

- A. Lincoln

* "Lincolnisms" are the folksy, witty, and often satirical sayings, anecdotes, and attributed to Abraham Lincoln, showcasing his unique ability to simplify complex ideas into memorable prose. There is no official count, but thousands of quotes, ranging from famous political declarations to humorous and rustic stories, have been documented and attributed to him over time.

** Abraham Lincoln is widely considered the most written-about person in American history, with over 15,000 to 18,000 books dedicated to him. Globally, he is often ranked as the third most written-about person, usually behind Jesus Christ and Napoleon Bonaparte.

Contact Bruce "The Penny Lincoln" at:

630.624.9600

brucebotterweck@gmail.com

"Now he belongs to the webpages."